Is the Black Hearts Party a real party, like with drinks and
stuff? I
thought it was a party, like you guys were on a mission or
something.
It's both. While we hate the insipid, trite, farted-out,
disingenuous,
mawkish parade of clichés that passes for romance these days, we
hold
particular venom for their flagship holiday, Valentine's Day. So
we throw a
party on or near it for all our friends, fellow truth devotees,
and other
people we want to sleep with. |
Is this a big loud party with velvet ropes and hipsters and
models and
trendy DJs and Christina Aguilera dance mixes?
No. This is a big loud party with people that beat the shit out
of people
who go to those kinds of parties. For a glimpse of past parties
visit our
retrospective. |
The “Seventeenth”
Annual Black Hearts Party? Is that a joke?
No. The Black Hearts Party has been around for seventeen
years. See for yourself right
here. |
The “final”
Black Hearts Party? Is that a joke?
No. This is the last Black Hearts Party. |
Why?
Because when loathing and mocking Valentine's Day has become so mainstream that the very soulless, evil corporations for whom it was originally created produce their own pathetic attempts to cash in on it (see Budweiser's "viral" National Breakup Day, Sonic's phoned-in Don't Trust Cupid, or Herbal Essences's clumsy Dump Cupid) we know our work is done. |
This party sounds like fun. When is it? And where? And how much? Can I come?
The Black Hearts Party is by invitation only, at the behest
of the Hosts. If you don't know them, you can always enter the Essay Contest. |
And who the hell are they?
Click here to find all about everyone associated with the party. |
I don’t know
the hosts but I’ve had a really crappy year and hate Valentine’s
Day too and have a black pair of pants and want to come anyway, so can
I please please please?
No. |
If
I’m invited and I show up wearing a black shirt and
blue jeans, are you really going to charge me an extra
$50 at the door just because my jeans are blue?
Yes. And don't bother testing us — we guarantee you won't be happy. |
Will everyone think I'm clever and witty if I decide to show up wearing all red?
The only thing they'll think is that you were desperate enough to pay an extra $50 in the hopes that they would. |
Can I bring my boyfriend
/ girlfriend / husband / wife?
Yes, if you behave appropriately. We recommend you arrive separately
from one another, with your own separate friends, and spend
the evening flirting with other people. If you must be together at the party please spend it
loudly fighting, as this provides great joy and amusement for everyone else in
attendance. |
I don’t want to buy tickets in advance. Can I buy them at the door?
No. And if you don't believe us ask the people who got turned
away last
year. In two feet of snow. If you show up without purchasing tickets in advance the
only thing
you'll be getting into will be a cab, to take yourself back home
to cry and
feel sorry for yourself. You know, like last night. |
I’m a friend / relative / co-worker / ex-lover / paid escort of
one of the
hosts. Can I get comp tickets / VIP status / exceptions to the
rules?
News flash: everyone at this party is a friend / relative /
co-worker /
ex-lover / paid escort of one of the hosts. Everybody buys a
ticket. Nobody
is a VIP. No exceptions. |
Who pays for this party, and how do you make money off of it?
Everyone who buys a ticket pays for the party, the tickets cover
all our
costs, and the hosts make no profit from the party. Some
products and
services are provided by our sponsors, who are our favorite
people in the
world, and when we finally snap and start killing everyone we
promise
they'll be among the last to go. |
If there’s no profit then why do you do it?
The hosts spend valuable masturbation time funneling their
excess
sexual frustration and anger into this event with the sole
intention of
entertaining their friends, ex-lovers, and fellow aberrations. |
Even though you only have like two rules I don’t care for one of
them so can I
whine and bitch about it and make desperate, pathetic attempts
to find a
loophole?
We'll refer you to the part of the invitation that says "If you
don't like
it throw your own fucking party". And what we mean by that is
if
you don't like things you can either suck it up and keep it to
yourself, or
better yet just fuck off. |
| Still
got a question? |
