Bar & Restaurant Reviews

I was only halfway into my coffee at the Des Moines Café last Tuesday when I decided I needed to take Mike from Friendster to fuckster in a very short period of time. But he wanted to go on a proper date first, like with dinner.

So tonight I'm taking him to Global 33, because the prices aren't too outrageous, because it's fairly intimate and casual, and because it's located blocks away from my East Village apartment. And at least when he's yappin' on about where he's from and what books he's read or whatever, I can get some really good food. Sure I want to hear all about his hobbies and favorite albums, but I'd much rather have sex first to make sure it's worth all the effort.

We sit in a little corner booth on adjoining sides of a small table; this is nice because when you're seated directly across from your date it's much harder to scan the room for upgrades. Fortunately for him, he's a pretty good looking guy and none of the other downtown quasi-hipsters that make up the Global 33 clientele can beat him in the looks department. And I certainly couldn't do better than those eyes.

While he's looking over the versatile menu (they have everything from Thai Chicken to Fusilli Primavera), I consider my chances of getting him in bed tonight, mentally calculate the potential return on investment, and order a mid-priced bottle of Sancerre to grease the wheels. He orders appetizers, about which I have mixed feelings. On the one hand this extends the length of the dinner, but on the other it probably means we'll make it through a second bottle of wine by the end of the meal.

The Portabello Mushroom "Fries" ($7) come first and are served with two sauces, one tangy and the other sultry. Shortly after we're served the Warm Lobster Dip ($10), an enticing sticky melange of lobster, sherry, fresh tarragon, and parmesan, served with bread rounds. Both are excellent, and finger foods make tasty foreplay.

And with the most interesting item on tonight's menu still potentially ninety minutes away, we move on to a main course of Sliced Filet Mignon ($12) for him, tender slabs of meat served with oven-roasted mashed potatoes and pink peppercorn au poivre. My Seafood Paella ($18) is a steaming and succulent blend of mussels, Manilla clams, gulf shrimp, and saffron rice. Very tasty, but a little time-consuming. Fortunately it's enough to put us over the top on the first bottle so we order a second bottle of wine. This is a good thing, as past experience has proven time and again how hard it is for anyone to say no after a second bottle of wine.

The second bottle succeeds in loosening him up and he orders the Belgian Dark Chocolate Fondue ($15), served with fresh strawberries. It's a great dessert, but I'm becoming much less interested in the quality of the food and increasingly curious about what he looks like without all those unnecessary layers of clothes.

In the end I fail to pull it off; he seems to be one of those insufferable no-sex-on-the-first-date-types. I consider using the argument that technically the coffee we had earlier this week was the first date, decide that would come off as sounding desperate, and settle for a kiss before walking home while making a mental list of everything I'll want to do to him next time. I can't believe he bailed on me after the second bottle of wine, and I'm simultaenously pissed off and even hornier now. Can't blame Global 33 for that though, at least I got a great dinner.

chumwater

December 22, 2003

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