A fifty-year-old architect with a perfect wife and son falls in love with a goat named Sylvia. The wife must contend with having her husband’s affections stolen by a creature lacking opposable thumbs.

By way of apology for Every Breath You Take, Sting spun 180° and declared, If You Love Someone, Set Them Free. Johnny knows better. Johnny knows that when you truly, madly, deeply love someone, right down to their tippy- wippy-toes, the only sensible thing to do is kill them before they fuck it up.

In the sixteenth century, the King of England jeopardizes his reign when he ignores his wife and openly carries on an affair with his male lover. The play culminates in one of the most excruciating deaths ever portrayed on stage, as a red-hot poker is inserted into the King’s ass.

This ex-band geek doesn’t wanna make love to ya, honey. Trent makes the hurt hurt. There is no good news, stop checking the headlines.

Now a successful book, the sheer dedication to this exhaustive list is jaw-dropping. It’s not just the fact that they’ve argued about their telephone number, the proper way to slice a kiwi, and the pronunciation of their first born’s name, it’s the witty writing style that makes this exercise in therapy so satisfying. The site includes over a hundred things they've argued about, some as straightforward as "our telephone number" to others, described in impressive detail, like...

Margret thinks I'm vain because... I use a mirror when I shave. During this argument in the bathroom - our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn - Margret proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, 'None of the other men I've been with,' (my, but it's all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.'
'Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn't it? As all the other men you've been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!' I said. Much later. When Margret had left the house.

If you don't cry, it isn't love
If you don't cry, then you just don't feel it deep enough
Dying all day in thousands of little ways
dancing alone and drinking a lot
closing the clubs and haunting the cabarets
looking for what?
Another five years off your life.

Danny went home and killed himself last night. Really? Why? Well, she’d taken everything, everything she thought he liked. And what she couldn’t take she found a way to break. Really? Yeah. She left his amplifier, but you know an amplifier’s just wood and wire and wire and wood don’t do any good when your heart is twitchin’ like a wildfire and all you gotta show for it’s an amplifier.

Ryan Adam’s gorgeous, desperate, boozy song about loving the one who always, ALWAYS fucks you over—while smiling... And loving him/her all the more for it.

Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

This play puts it simply: Hell is other people and they won’t fuck you. Welcome to eternity. You're soaking in it.

If, by some chance, you should encounter Christopher Walken while in Venice trying to rekindle your loveless marriage, do not accept an invitation to spend the night at his luxurious palazzo. As hard as it may be to believe, there actually are things worse than being married to someone you hate.

When I had a crush on Love Boat's Julie the cruise director I wrote her a letter. Maybe if I'd taken a shot at the president she would have written back. The lesson here for all you lonely hearts is that if at first you don't succeed, shoot somebody.

Though some may cry misogyny, these stick figure vignettes hold more than a grain of truth. Our happy-go-lucky stick boy only wants to be friendly, but these stick girls want to peel him, salt him, saw him, burn him and dropkick his little stick head. Some women just aren’t very nice to nice boys. I double-stick-dog dare you to deny it.

Sure, you can run around on your woman if you want to, but she’ll probably be screwing some other guy while you do, then she’ll leave your sorry ass and take you for everything you got, after which that other woman ain’t gonna wanna have anything to do with your sorry, broke, two-timing ass. Might as well just stay home and watch TV.

An excellent example of incest in the Renaissance. Giovanni becomes unnaturally obsessed with his sister Annabella, impregnates her, and then kills her. Although today we would refer to her as a “victim” in 1633 she was thought of as a “whore.”

Only the Lonely, In the Wee Small Hours, and No One Cares: Frank trying — and failing — to get over Ava Gardner. If you haven't killed yourself by the end of these three albums, you weren't in love in the first place.

If you find love hang on to each caress
And never let love go
For when its gone you'll know the loneliness
The heartbreak only the lonely know