It's one thing to be so blasé, world-weary, and jaded that the only think staving off suicide is how terribly unimpressive—nay, boring death will be. It's another thing entirely to make a banjo somehow into a sad instrument. Bring on the booze? More like leave the bottle.

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

Although just about any of Mrs. Parker's poems or stories would fit in with the theme of this list, it is this poem that best sums up her—and our—thoughts on love...

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying—
Lady, make note of this:
One of you is lying.

Over her entire twenty-year career, Patsy Cline sang only one happy song: "Back in Baby's Arms". That's it. And even that one's not entirely upbeat; it's about backsliding and spends most of it remembering how she and her man would quarrel. Oh, and it was released postumously, after she'd died, as was all the rage back then, in a plane crash. Final insult? It then appeared on the Natural Born Killers soundtrack. Drink up!

From A Stranger In My Arms...
Say goodbye to our romancing
We have lost the flame that warms
Tho' I hold you while we're dancing
Your a stranger in my arms
Every story has an ending
This is where our story ends
Please don't hurt me by pretending
For lovers never can be friends

Jealous, spurned woman kills her own children to spite her philandering husband. Euripides is apparently now writing scripts for the television movies frequently shown on Lifetime TV for Women.

Accursed woman! by gods, by me and all mankind abhorred as never woman was, who hadst the heart to stab thy babes, thou their mother, leaving me undone and childless; this hast thou done and still dost gaze upon the sun and earth after this deed most impious. Curses on thee! now perceive what then I missed in the day I brought thee, fraught with doom, from thy home in a barbarian land to dwell in Hellas, traitress to thy sire and to the land that nurtured thee. On me the gods have hurled the curse that dogged thy steps, for thou didst slay thy brother at his hearth ere thou cam'st aboard our fair ship, Argo. Such was the outset of thy life of crime; then didst thou wed with me, and having borne me sons to glut thy passion's lust, thou now hast slain them. Not one amongst the wives of Hellas e'er had dared this deed; yet before them all I chose thee for my wife, wedding a foe to be my doom, no woman, but a lioness fiercer than Tyrrhene Scylla in nature. But with reproaches heaped thousandfold I cannot wound thee, so brazen is thy nature. Perish, vile sorceress, murderess of thy babes! Whilst I must mourn my luckless fate, for I shall ne'er enjoy my new-found bride, nor shall Ihave the children, whom I bred and reared, alive to say the last farewell to me; nay, I have lost them.

Brutal name calling, psychological torture, infidelity, hurtful charades, and raging alcoholism: George and Martha may just be the quintessential married couple. You wanna play games, baby? You don’t even know the rules.

This comic strip launched in 1968, and presently continues to lay out the truth for millions of kids every day. It’s not just your parents who have an angry, hateful, loveless marriage, with horrible, unfunny day following horrible, unfunny day, right up until a merciful death. In fact, someday you’ll probably have one, too!

At the start of the last century the city of Reno realized their low residency requirement for divorce had the potential to bring in huge profits to the community in hotels, restaurants, and casinos, as well as lawyers. In 1931 the residency requirement for divorce dropped to six weeks, and by 1940 Nevada accounted for 49 out of 1000 divorces in the United States. Where else, we ask you, has a community pulled together to reap profit off others' misery?

The tagline for this film when it came out was...
Once in a lifetime comes a motion picture that makes you feel like falling in love all over again. This is not that movie.

…and what an understatement that was. If after seeing this one you didn't walk out of the multi-plex and immediately push your date into traffic you were in the wrong theatre.

One minute you're watching Emmanuelle Seigner pour drinkable yogurt all over herself, the next you're peeing your wheelchair while she fucks some random stranger in the other room. Ah, love.

Perhaps the reason why the frontman of The Smiths, now a solo artist, has been able to perfectly and consistently capture the true, grim aspects of love and romance for over two decades, is because the man himself is completely, genuinely sexless. It’s ever so cute when pop stars coyly and pathetically shroud themselves in virginity and celibacy (sure Britney, our People Weekly-addled brains will buy any shit you shovel our way), but how many celebrities can actually claim to walk that walk, not for one press statement or through a couple late night interviews, but throughout their entire careers with a total lack of any evidence that suggests they’re full of shit?

For over twenty years, our boy has been plagued by questions about his sexuality from a never-ending torrent of dopey reporters, who in their oversimplification of the concept of sexuality, have been asking the wrong questions. When Morrissey denied he was straight, he was reported as being gay, under the assumption these are the only two options that exist. The truth is that Morrissey has consistently denied being gay, straight, and bisexual, and evidence to the contrary is notoriously difficult to come by. If the man is bluffing he’s awfully good at it and has yet to blink, or be caught with his guard or pants down.

The only relationship to which Morrissey has confessed is the one with us, his passionate, heartsick, audience. The man with no sex life has committed himself to observing and commenting on ours, and we love him for it. Whether you’re pondering your own loneliness and/or loathsomeness, sleeping alone for endless nights, or left brooding brutal murderous thoughts, Morrissey has always been right there with you, and not only in spirit. Because you’ve always known that wherever he is in the world right now, he’s probably thinking and feeling the same thoughts and emotions as you.

In the words of the lyrics…

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die
    -- How Soon Is Now?,
       The Smiths, Meat Is Murder, 1985

I know it's over and it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
    -- I Know It’s Over,
       The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead, 1986

Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed
    -- Bigmouth Strikes Again,
       The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead, 1986

Behind the hatred there lies
A murderous desire for love
    -- The Boy with The Thorn In His Side,
       The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead, 1986

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
    -- There Is A Light That Never Goes Out,
       The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead, 1986

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
    -- Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,
       The Smiths, Louder Than Bombs, 1987

I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside
    -- Unloveable,
       The Smiths, Louder Than Bombs, 1987

Last night I felt real arms around me
No hope, no harm, just another false alarm
    -- Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me,
       The Smiths, Strangeways Here We Come, 1987

I do believe that the more you give your love
And I do believe that the more you give your trust
And the more you give your love
The more you're bound to lose
    -- Found Found Found,
       Morrissey, Kill Uncle, 1991

Rejection is one thing
But rejection from a fool is cruel
    -- I Don’t Mind If You Forget Me,
       Morrissey, Viva Hate, 1988

Our unsleepable friend
Gets the message on an ill wind
"All your friends and your foes
Would rather die than have to touch you"
    -- Disappointed,
       Morrissey, Bona Drag, 1990

And when you're standing on my fingers
Can you see it in your heart ? ... ah ...
And when you try to break my spirit
It won't work because there's nothing left to break
Anymore
    -- Speedway,
       Morrissey, Vauxhall and I, 1994

The woman of my dreams, She, She never came along
The woman of my dreams, well, there never was one
    -- I’m Not Sorry,
       Morrissey, You Are The Quarry, 2004

She told me she loved me, which means, she must be insane
I've had my face dragged in, fifteen miles of shit,
And I do not, and I do not, and I do not like it
    -- I’m Not Sorry,
       You Are The Quarry, Morrissey, 2004

Morrissey in his own words…

"I constantly spectate upon people who are entwined and frankly I'm looking upon souls in agony. I can't think of one relationship in the world which has been harmonious. It just doesn't happen."
    -- NME, 1984

"I find that people who are knee-deep in emotion and physical commitment with human beings, I find they're often totally empty of any real passion ... I mean, if we look back on the history of literature, it's always these really creased, repressed hysterics, if you like, who are enchained in these squalor-ridden rooms, who say the most poetic things about the human race."
    -- Melody Maker, 1984

“I feel that I am quite vulnerable and that's quite good enough because I wouldn't want to be thought of as Tarzan or Jane. ... I don't recognize such terms as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual and I think it's important that there's someone in pop music who's like that. These words do great damage, they confuse people and they make people feel unhappy so I want to do away with them."
    -- Star Hits, 1985

"Sex is a waste of batteries."
    -- Melody Maker, 1986

"Desire is excruciating to me, and as far as I know that's all there is. I can't imagine response, and I can't imagine being loved by somebody whom one loves."
    -- Details, 1992

"If I see a beautiful woman I can be attracted like any man. But I find it very embarrassing. It's the same whether it's an attraction to a man or a woman ... Human relations don't work ... If I see someone I find attractive, then I flee in the other direction."
    -- Les Inrockuptibles, 1995

And finally, in the words of Morrissey biographer Mark Simpson,
quoted from his 2004 biography “Saint Morriesey,” SAF Publishing, Ltd…

“Many of Morrissey's fans however recognize his celibacy as a saintly gesture and continue to believe in it rather like Catholics believe in the virgin birth (which is to say: "I know very well that ..., nevertheless ..."). For most of his career it had proved the seriousness of his commitment, even if it was to his own misery. He might perform before a crowd of thousands, he might be mobbed by ecstatic, sweating fans, male and female, eager to hug and kiss him until they were finally dragged away by bouncers, but he returned to an empty bed every night -- the perfect vantage-point from which to observe other people's messy love lives.”