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I woke up this morning, rolled over, and found George Bush in my bed.
“Fuck,” I thought, “don’t tell me he wants a blow job too.” Turns out he doesn’t want a blow job, or maybe he does and he’s being passive-aggressive. He claims he’s there for another reason, which is to keep an eye on who I’m sleeping with, to judge me on account of that, and to change the laws of the country accordingly. I can’t help but think the guy should be dealing with his whole war-weapon-whatever situation, but here he is in my bed instead.
This pisses me off because honestly the dating experience alone is hard enough as it is, and relationships are enough trouble with all the problems brought to the table by the two people involved. So now on top of all that crap I’ve got some politician telling me who should be marrying whom, and looking into ratifying the American constitution to make sure that only the people he thinks should be married can be married.
That’s a pretty bold move, I’m not sure an American president has ever singled out a group of people and attempted to make them second-class citizens. On second thought maybe I have this all wrong; maybe Bush wants to give gay people a similar status to Puerto Rico. On the one hand they wouldn’t get all the same benefits, but on the other hand they wouldn’t have to pay taxes either. Hell, gay people are already exempt from serving in the military so maybe he’s looking to create a special class of citizens with the gay population. That doesn’t sound as bad, as long as he’s not planning on testing nukes in people’s backyards.
Or maybe Bush is planning something even more radical than that. Maybe Bush has always been two steps ahead of everyone all this time, and preparing to ratify the Constitution is all part of his brilliant master plan. Follow me for a moment here; he knows perfectly well that most people won't stand for a blatant attack on the rights of American citizens, but he also knows where this step would lead next. Just as Bush claims he's forced into taking action to prevent the states from granting all couples equal rights, he knows that this step will force us all to consider whether marriage is a good idea for anybody in the first place. "You can't give basic rights to some groups and not others," comes the cry. "Very well then," he responds solemnly, "then I'm left with no choice to but to abolish marriage for everyone."
After a collective gasp the people rejoice. There's celebrations and dancing in the street, as suddenly all the burdens and pressures of marriage have been lifted from our shoulders. No more desperate racing against the clock to be legally chained by thirty years of age. No more frantic visits to speed dating clinics and remedial dating service web sites. Those horrible DeBeers commercials are gone forever, and so are the bridal magazines of hideous bloodless Hamptons brides posing with their freshly-purchased pasty grooms. Suddenly America, once the puritannical laughing-stock of the world, is leading the way to healthy relationships with all traces of our retarded marital past burned away in the cleansing flames of the Bush administration.
Oh Georgie, I've been a fool. Babe, you can visit my bed any day. Now get over here Tiger and let me give you what you got coming. |
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| February 13, 2004 |
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