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| Interview: He Has Two Girlfriends |
| interview by armacy |
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I've known "B." for a long time, and he's always dating someone in a relationship that seems seconds away from marriage. Yet at the same time, he'll be involved in a second relationship that's just as serious as the first. We recently sat down to talk about his habit.
How would you characterize yourself?
I don’t think I would.
But you’ve dated – seriously dated – two girls at the same time, many times. For extended periods of time.
Yes, as you’ve pointed out I have a pattern.
But you’re not just casually dating two people – you find yourself in serious relationships where these girls think you’re exclusive with them. It’s fair to say they think they will be married to you?
Um, well true, but in every case I never said I was (exclusive). I just let them think that. Um, it’s ethically questionable to let them think that.
You’ve been presented to their parents. The relationships are that serious.
Most of them.
Many have had the expectation of marriage.
True.
So you would start out dating one exclusively?
I think that’s true.
And then you meet someone else…
Yes, usually at a point where I saw the problems in the first relationship.
How long would you be in a relationship with one girl and then start to stray?
Over a year…
And at this point, would you consciously look for someone else?
Well, that’s tricky. No, my general rule is no, but if someone else suddenly appeared…
So when you met these new people, would you ever indicate that you were in a serious relationship?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends if I thought that “yes” would scare them off.
Wait, how many double-relationships/overlaps have there been so far?
At least 4 times. But all have been serious relationships with eight different girls. I don’t know how to have an unserious relationship. I don’t know how to sleep with a girl for a month and move on.
How long does the overlap happen?
Quite a while – the original relationship can go on for two to three years, and then the overlap can happen for six months to a year, or that second relationship will segue on for a few years.
How many girls have you dated without being without someone else?
There was one girl I was with for three years, but then started seeing someone else for the last six months of those three years – does that count?
How many girls have you seriously dated without dating someone else at the same time?
(delay) one. Maybe two. No, technically one.
(we determine that it takes really complicated math and technicalities to figure out who B. has been “monogamous” with.)
Do you ever feel guilty?
Only when I think someone is gonna get hurt.
How often does that happen?
How often do I think that? Fairly often, but not when I’m with the person – either person, which is why I think it works. When I’m with one, she's the only one I’m thinking about.
When does it feel more natural, when you’re dating one person or more than one?
That’s a good question – I guess it's more natural to date two, because it's less claustrophobic.
Do you think you’re afraid of commitment? Because when I see you with girls, you’re totally with their families, you’re totally dealing with shit that I wouldn’t spend three minutes listening to, and you are their boyfriend.
Whoever I’m with I’m with 100%, but I can be 200% with two girls. (laughs)
Seriously though. Do you want to get married? I know these girls want to marry you.
I think I could marry either girl I’m seeing now.
I have my thoughts on which girl you should marry, but do you think it will be different when you are married?
Do you mean I won’t want to date other girls?
Yes.
I don’t know. I might always want to date other girls, so the question is just, can I commit to not dating other girls. Sometimes it feels kinda sexy to be committed to just one girl.
I want everyone to have a happy ending. I hate breakups.
What does a happy ending mean to you?
Someone gets what they never thought they would get. Or even better than what they would get.
I want to be the ideal thoughtful boyfriend.
Do the girls ever find out that you’ve been leading a double life?
Knock on wood, no.
Does it feel like a double life?
No, it doesn’t.
Do your friends know that you are seriously dating more than one girl?
Yes. Some of them initially have a problem, but they don’t seem to ultimately have a problem – the women seem to think the fact that I am very worried about trying to make sure no one gets hurt redeems the whole thing. One friend (female) thinks I should go with one particular girl, but thinks I will stay with the other because shes hotter, and that that’s more important to me.
And the men?
Some have been moralistic
No one cheers you on?
It's split into thirds- some no opinion, others pro, others against.
Its not something I set out to do, and then I get so stressed about it and I say I’ll never do it again, and then 6 months later I’m there again.
Do you know anyone else that seriously dates two people at the same time?
No. I know people who play a lot of games, and date people briefly and through them aside, but I don’t know anyone else who winds up in simultaneous serious relationships.
How do you think your girlfriends would feel to find out about the other?
They’d feel lied to, and betrayed – even the ones that said we should see other people. They don’t mean it. They would feel totally deceived.
Do you think any of your girlfriends are seeing other people?
Pretty sure not.
How would you feel if they were? Have you thought about it?
I would be a little relieved but also hurt. I dated a girl where we agreed to see others discretely, but she chose to reveal details about these dates to me and was hurtful.
Do you think there’s a reason why you do this – this being having serious relationships with girls for extended periods of time, girls who think that they are the only person you are with?
The armchair psychiatrist says when my first "real" girlfriend dumped me, and I didn’t see it coming and I was a wreck for a year because I was unprepared, on some levels I think this is me making myself prepared.
Do girls ever break up with you?
No. The system works.
Your parents are still together? Did they ever cheat?
I would be really, really, surprised if someone had ever cheated.
Do you think your behavior is normal?
No, I don’t think it's normal. I don’t feel normal about it, but what people do that is considered normal, it’s mystifying to me. |
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| January 10, 2005 |
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