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| Interview: She's Dating A Married Man |
| interview by armacy |
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At some point last year, I realized that three of my friends were seriously involved with married men. Each circumstance was wildly different, but there was still something common in all of their stories. A year later, the relationships (and marriages) continue. Can you still want to marry someone who is already … married? Is it different for girls? I sat with C. to find out more about what it means to be dating someone who is married.
So I hear your boyfriend is married…
Is that the only thing that's important about my boyfriend?
Well, let's start earlier. Have you dated other married men?
No.
Did you know he was married when you started dating?
I didn't know when we first met, but he told me early on.
How did he tell you?
It was our first "official" date. He mentioned his marriage in the course of a story and I said, "You were married?" And he made it very clear he was legally separated, they lived together but he stayed in "a separate wing."
Did the fact that he was married bother you?
The idea that someone could be that dishonest seemed unfathomable to me, so I believed that they were in the process of ending it.
How long have you been together since that first official date?
It's been a year and four months.
Does his marriage influence your relationship?
Depends on whom you ask.
I'm asking you.
He says that his marriage has no impact on our relationship, and that the decisions he makes are decisions as a person who is no longer married.
Do you feel that he ever discusses your relationship with his wife?
No. They talk about their kids and money.
Do you think there will be a time when he won't be married?
He could be married forever. They could work it out. If she's willing to stick around when their marriage is completely naught, who's to say that they won't stay together longer. Maybe they'll realize that they want to grow old together.
You sound just as optimistic about the future of their relationship as you do yours!
There's no question in my mind that he loves me. We have a very positive bond together. By that same token, I would be happy for him if they worked it out, because I respect the institution of marriage.
I do want to get married and I want to get married to him.
You don't see his current marriage as an impediment to your relationship?
I don't think it's our biggest problem, no.
Do you feel like you are the most important person to him?
Next to his kids, I think I am.
Have you met his children?
I would love to see his kids — it's a hole in our relationship. But he's got issues. He feels he's bad at relationships, that he's failed at it once and that he doesn't deserve another chance.
He says his marriage is bad because he's an asshole, he's selfish, ‘I like to do my own thing, I like my own space.'
Doesn't any of that scare you?
We've talked about it. I've asked ‘do you feel similarly to me as you did to your wife, or is this unique?' and he says that our relationship is different. He was very young when they got married, he was new to this country, and he felt pressure from her family to get married right away.
How long have they been married?
A long time. Around 12–14 years.
Has he had other girlfriends while being married?
He's cheated on her, but I don't know if he's had any ongoing relationships.
When he started telling me about his different affairs, I was freaked — ‘How am I supposed to trust you? Tell me!' And he said that he couldn't tell me. I decided that I could [trust him].
I think that you live by instinct. I have really good instincts, I've dated a lot, and I think you know, that I have a sense that no one has cheated on me.
Lets go back to when you first met: is he your "type"?
No, when I first met him, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I was hot into dating, I was dating 3 people. I met him, and it was just another number at that point. Then when he told me about his separation, I didn't realize how married he was.
I didn't care about the kids because of the ‘trauma dating' of the last year — I had dated a guy who later told me he had 6 kids with different mothers; then there was the other guy who freaked out when I mentioned that having kids when dating could be considered as baggage, so when I met this guy who had kids I was trying to be open minded about people with children. I was set up!
What have your friends said about your relationship?
Not much. What are they going to say? It's my own decision.
And your family?
My sisters have been open-minded, but were really happy when we had split briefly.
Have you gotten any advice from people?
Oh yeah, this woman told me I had 3 options: 1. I could perpetuate the situation. I was the mistress, and we could discuss how you cultivate growth in the relationship while he's still married. Does he get me an apartment, etc. 2. he gets a divorce, he moves out, and we make a go of the relationship, or 3. I split. The one she didn't mention was that you go backwards in the relationship, which is what he wants to do — he thinks it's getting too serious.
Do you think it's hard for him to be dating you while he is married?
I think it's hard for him because he doesn't know what the right thing to do is — he has to consider me, his children, and his wife — it becomes very gray.
What do you think is right?
(kidding) I think he should dump that ho!
I think the right thing is to do what makes him happy. I think [if he got divorced/moved out] his children would be less confused, and that the children and his wife could move on.
Do you get jealous of his wife and family?
No, I never have. He's good at making me feel like I'm the important one.
Even on Thanksgiving?
Oh, bitch! That was a bad day. We were supposed to go away the next day, he didn't call until late and I was yelling at him.
I can't remember what it was all about. I was like ‘why, were you too busy playing husband?' and he got mad and hung up.
So that doesn't come up too much?
No.
Are there times you need him and he's unavailable?
I don't attribute that to his wife, but more to his trepidation about being too attached. I feel when he's not there for me he's doing it on purpose, and not as a direct result of his marriage.
Would you recommend dating a married man?
No, absolutely not.
If you could go back, would you not be with him?
I wouldn't change anything, but that's just me. You learn and you grow and reap things from what you live. The problem I have with talking about this is that the most negative thing about the relationship is that he's married. So there's no opportunity [in this interview] to talk about the good things.
I've often said that I feel like we're not on an even playing field, we go through these ups and downs and he always has this crutch. He says he considers himself not married, but for all intents and purposes, she takes half the responsibilities of the home. They have a gardener, a house cleaner — someone's organizing that and it's not him.
He's got a cushy situation. He's got me for love and good times, her for taking responsibility for the home. Why would you fuck that up?
Does she know about you?
No.
Have you been to his house?
I know the address.
Our other friend is dating someone who is married, who is married but not living with the wife. Do you have similar situations — is there a common denominator for people dating married people?
I think the easy answer is yes, but knowing our relationships, I don't see any correlation. In the most general sense, we are dating married men. Our block isn't that they're married, but that they don't want to remarry. As a result of the first failure, they don't want to try again.
But aren't they trying again just by being in extended relationships?
I've said that.
What makes you stay?
Optimism that something will change
So you do want change in the relationship?
Yeah, last time we talked, he said he was going to continue to think about it. The idea of committing to me. That was a month ago.
Do you have a quitting point?
Emotionally, there is a point where I will quit. I hit it in the other month. I was going to walk.
What happened?
He convinced me that it was worth going back.
And has it been?
He's really been making an effort in our relationship but nothing in making things change in his personal life.
How would he feel about her dating?
I never asked him that, I never got the feeling that he gives a shit; I don't sense any emotional attachment.
Are they friends?
No.
Why do you think she stays?
Money. Family. Nowhere to go. I think she'd be embarrassed to tell her family.
Would you have doubts about getting married to him?
No. Even though he's painted marriage as not a good thing. I haven't been married, but why would I think it would be different from the goodness that I feel now? For me it's this ephemeral image of sharing your life together.
I think there is a force defining marriage as an end goal for women. I would be happy with a lifelong commitment that wasn't recognized by church and state.
There's a certain power in saying to I want to be with you in front of all the people you consider your friends and family. To be able to shout it from a mountaintop, addressing the public.
In what positive way would a divorce effect your relationship?
It would make him more available, but its not like he's not available now.
He gets divorced tomorrow. When would you want to get married?
In my fairy tale, he gets an apartment in a neighborhood near his kids. We continue to date. No engagement. We work on relationship. And six months later, maybe I move in. |
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| April 22, 2005 |
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