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| Interview: He's In An Open Relationship |
| interview by chumwater |
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I've noticed the subject of open relationships often has a polarizing effect; some swear by it while others who haven't tried it will haughtily dismiss both the practice and those who engage in it. I recently talked to my friend "Michael," a forty-something guy in a long-term relationship with "Ben," to get some insight on his experiences.
How long have you been together?
Seven years.
And how long have you lived together?
We started living together, I would say probably six years ago.
And do you think you'll always be together?
Yeah, actually.
What exactly is the nature of your arrangement, if it's defined?
I'm not sure what that means. That's an odd question. Can you be more specific?
In regards to the fact that you're open to being sexually involved with other people.
Okay. I don't think that's how we formatted the relationship. I think that neither of us define the relationship by sex or through sex. And I'm only speaking from my point of view but he's told me that he's not necessarily a jealous person and that sex in and of itself is not something that is the ‘be all end all' for him. And while I tend to be a more jealous person, I think that there are ways in which I can separate sex from the other aspects of a relationship.
But you have discussed the fact that you can both sleep with other people in certain circumstances.
Well, the circumstance we've agreed upon is that would happen when we're together. But there's this kind of weasely area where if we're away from each other for an extended period of time and somebody expresses an interest we can ask beforehand, so we get permission to do it.
So you mostly only do this when you're together.
For the most part, yes.
When and how did this first come up?
Oh gosh…
If you don't remember that's ok.
Honestly right now it's not occurring to me but it might in the course of this conversation. But I don't remember and I'm trying to think of who the first person - oh okay I know who the first person we did this with was. And I think it was with somebody that we both found attractive and we had a good time trying it out with. And I've done it before in prior relationships. Ben hasn't. And I think he was interested in doing it.
How often do you guys hook up with another person?
Well, there was a time three summers ago we hooked up with a different person every weekend in August. But now it's been a long time – well not too long a time, there's one person we fool around with occasionally, and we fooled around with him about a month ago, and there's somebody before that probably a month before that…
So it's sporadic at different times.
Yes it can be very sporadic, it can be more sporadic than I'm mentioning, and that summer I referred to, when it was more prevalent, it was also more sex involved whereas now we've gotten together with people and there's been fooling around and things like that but the degree of sexual contact is less.
So when you say "fooling around" what exactly does that mean; what are you doing?
Well you know, intense sex encounters would include fucking.
Define "fucking".
Anal intercourse. Putting a penis inside an anus, or maybe one or two, or in many different permutations. Yes there's penis and ass, okay? Cock and butt. But you know, look, to straight people what gay people do sexually they don't understand it; it's never comparable for them. I'm saying this in a judgmental way, they just don't get it. And so what you would do sexually, what may turn you and your partner and the other person involved on, may be really weird to a straight person. Like you know Ben and I have had encounters with people where there's just kissing, sucking, and rimming, and that's been it. Both Ben and I happen to enjoy rimming. And there's a couple people we know who really enjoy being rimmed. So...
Does the fact that you both like performing an action, and bringing in someone who likes having it performed, deliver something that wasn't there before?
Is it fulfilling a need? It could be but there's no way to really bare that out. I mean it's stuff we've done together and that we're perfectly happy to do with each other. I think bringing in another person definitely adds excitement, perhaps a sense of danger because you don't know if that person's going to be into it or not. It's the thrill of the chase.
How do you meet these people?
Any variety of ways.
Like what?
Anything from friends of friends, to a bar, to online …
Is there one way that you prefer over the others?
It just happens. Look, most of the people who are looking for sex online are looking for that very well-defined ‘Chelsea' emblem of the gay community right now. Clearly I'm not like that, my partner is not like that, plus we're very different-looking. And one of us is ethnic, and of course most people online are looking for white people – they're basically looking for somebody who looks just like them. This is a lot easier for them. So online is probably one of the tougher ways to meet people. I'm more gregarious so in person is how I prefer to meet people.
How much of this is you seeking this out, and how much of this is just happening by chance?
It's always a question of best laid plans; you could both decide you're in the mood to go out and play and whatnot and it will never happen, and then you go to a friend's birthday party and you run into some –and this actually happened—some cute young college student who I'm attracted to, and I don't expect my partner to be attracted to, but he is, and we're all attracted together, and we get drunk, and horny, and go back to our place and fool around. So you never really know.
How do you see sex, why do you think we do it, is there a meaning attached?
You're asking me this, [laughing] shouldn't you be asking god that question?
I'm asking what you think.
What do I think?
Or maybe you don't think about it.
No of course I think about it, everybody thinks about sex…
How do you see it?
How do I see it? I see it in a lot of different ways. I see it as an expression of love, I see it as something that sometimes makes me uncomfortable and fearful, I see it as something that at times can be really enjoyable and a lot of fun. And I see it as a way that people can share themselves physically and if it's really honest it's one of the most honest forms of communication between people.
We sort of stumbled into this question earlier, but what do you get out of this situation that you otherwise wouldn't get if you didn't have an open relationship?
Well I mean everybody in a long-term relationship or in a marriage might tell you that over time things get predictable and you have to mix it up a bit in order for things not to be routine, no matter what kind of communication it is, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental. And if they say that after twenty years of marriage the sex is still as perfect as it ever was they're fuckin' lying. But that doesn't mean they go out and get another partner or they cheat or whatever, but obviously people do things to spice up their sex lives and have always done things to spice up their sex lives and have always done things to make the monotony of their lives less routine, whatever that monotony is.
So this is a fun question… do you feel that having sexual relations with a greater variety of people makes you better at it or teaches you things you otherwise wouldn't know? Is that an advantage for someone in a relationship with one person for a long term?
No, I think the times you learn how to perform sexually are more or less in your youth. I think as people grow older they get more set in their ways. I've talked to a lot of people around my age that feel less connected sexually than they did when they were younger. For instance, during sex whether it's with a partner or a trick or whomever, people my age talk about thinking – as you're having sex – thinking about the next bill to pay, or what you have to do at work the next day, or what happened at work that day, and just feeling less connected. And I think there's something to be said for being younger and having that zen beginner's mind where everything's a new experience and everything's interesting, and I think you don't have that as automatically over time, and I think also that makes you less willing to "learn new things" because you actually feel less comfortable putting yourself out that way because you're older, you're supposed to know everything, and you're supposed to be considered even a daddy figure.
So the people you hook up with tend to be younger?
Not always, no. I mean I'm generally attracted to younger people; my partner generally isn't. But it has gone both ways with us when we've had other people sexually. Together.
Do you worry that this arrangement's going to impact your relationship in any way?
You mean negatively?
At all?
Well I guess the term ‘worry' implies something negative so I'm going to approach it that way. No I don't actually, not at all.
How do you feel about it?
I feel like it's fine. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's actually monotonous. I mean there's times where – particularly as I get older I don't want to put any energy into the procurement of sexual partners for us, and I certainly don't want it to be difficult.
How does Ben say that he feels about it?
He enjoys it. I think he enjoys the "anonymity" of it. I think he likes the not really knowing this person and not really feeling obligated to follow through in any way but there in the moment and sexually.
If you were to have kids would you change this behavior?
Wow, interesting question. I think that with kids obviously you have to make sure that your behavior isn't confusing to them. Normally with kids you're setting up a situation where you want them to know that they're in a family unit, whatever that family might be, and that they are loved. And I think that there are ways in which people coming in and out of Dad and Dad's bedroom might be confusing to kids at particular ages. So I don't know that it would stop, but I know that it would certainly be as discreet as it should or needs to be.
Do any of your friends or family know about this particular aspect of the relationship?
Yeah, plenty of friends. I have a family member that knows a little – actually two family members that know a little that we do like these little adventures.
What kind of family members?
Sibling.
How did they find out about it and what was their reaction?
I probably told them.
And what was the reaction?
Um, not surprised. But not judgmental… at all.
Have you ever felt judged because of this arrangement?
I don't think I tell people that I think might judge me [laughs] I mean it's hardly anybody's business anyway, and when I say hardly I mean it might be the business of the person that we're sleeping with. It's really hardly anybody's business so I don't feel obligated to tell anybody what I'm doing with my partner in our spare time.
How much does the judgment of outsiders, which could include friends or family or the media, influence how you both feel about the fact that you do this?
For me since I'm not running for president, none. I wouldn't be doing it if I was embarrassed by it. Period.
And it doesn't influence Ben either?
No.
What would you say to somebody who was considering embarking on this type of arrangement in their relationship?
I think it needs to not be seen as a key that will make a relationship better or that it is something that will improve upon your sex life with your partner, or any of the other Dr.Seuss-esque rationalizations that people might come up with. I think that if this is something that you and your partner are interested in and it excites you and you get off sexually talking about it and you think you might want to try it and it turns out to be a fun thing - - great. But it's only one very very small part of the total picture.
Okay so last question. Some people are afraid to bring this option up as a possibility with their partners because they believe that even raising the issue could create an adverse reaction and possibly damage the relationship. What do you think about that?
That's a great question because quite frankly if you're afraid to bring up something with your partner, then that's the problem. It's not what you're afraid to bring up, but that you're afraid to bring up something with your partner. You should be able to talk about anything with your partner, in fact you should talk about anything with your partner, and everything. The whole idea of having a relationship that works is putting in the work it takes to communicate those things on your mind, even the things that you feel are more complicated or might put you in what you might consider to be a bad light or those tricky things that might upset your partner. Through experience it seems to me that the more open, honest, and communicative you are, which is the hardest thing in the world to be, I mean this is why relationships are not easy, that's the most important. And I think that if you're going to hold back anything you feel that you might want to experience from your partner that creates future problems with communication, it creates resentments, and that will be the undoing, not having sex with somebody else.
Anything else you want to add or say?
No I think I shot my wad on that one [laughs]. |
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| August 26, 2005 |
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